


Dandelion

by RainbowMartin



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, deceit mention, patton angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 18:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16497746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowMartin/pseuds/RainbowMartin
Summary: Sometimes, Patton can’t help but feel like he’s not wanted. Sometimes, he needs to be told how much he is loved.





	Dandelion

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for my friend Alexis's birthday a while ago! <3

“They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not,” Patton sang to himself, plucking individual petals off of an infinitely re-growing dandelion. “They love me, they love me not.”

He was sitting in the memory of a park. It was a warm memory, a pleasant memory, one that didn’t even make him feel overly nostalgic--just happy. And true happiness wasn’t very easy for him to come by these days.

It wasn’t that he was depressed, or...or ungrateful. Thomas’s life was wonderful. Patton loved what he was doing, he loved his friends and his fans. And he loved his family. But sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder if they loved him back.

He felt awful for doubting it. They had said it, hadn’t they? In the Q&A video, they all said they loved each other. (Well...Virgil had  _ tried _ , but Patton really wouldn’t have expected him to be able to say it back then.) And they had given each other gifts at Christmas, and...and they loved each other.

But then again, all of his attempts at affection would be pushed away. Dismissed. Rejected. ( _ Publicly humiliated! Okay, no more Disney references.) _ They all thought he was stupid, didn’t they? Necessary, maybe, but a necessary annoyance. A child that they put up with because they had to, like older siblings that had been saddled with taking care of the baby who didn’t understand grown-up things. A child who wanted to play house and pretend to be the dad but had no idea how the real world actually worked. Patton knew they saw him as more than that. Or at least, he  _ thought _ they did. But it would be really nice to actually be  _ shown _ it once in a while.

And Logan's words from the Moving On video still stung.  _ “All of this, because Patton can't let go of one person?!” _ And then they had...resolved it? No, it wasn't resolved. Patton had agreed to be more open with his negative feelings, had apologized to Logan for not listening. But Logan certainly hadn't apologized to him--the cat hoodie was a nice gesture, but he couldn't help but think it was a consolation prize, a gift to placate him into silence. The slight bitterness that Patton allowed himself to feel turned into guilt.  _ Logan was right, though, wasn’t he? There was no reason for him to apologize. _

_ He didn't listen when you didn't want anyone to go to your room, _ a voice in his mind said.  _ You knew it wouldn't end well, but he didn't listen. _

“He thought he was doing something good,” Patton whispered to himself. “It wasn't his fault.”

But fault didn't really matter. It was all well and good that Patton had been told that he was allowed to feel unhappy emotions, and that he would be happy again, but what if he just wanted a darn hug? Even after the video, everyone assumed that the puppies from Roman and the cat hoodie from Logan had made it all better, but he had gone back to his room and was entrenched in heartache again. He just wanted someone to hold him, let him cry on their shoulder, and tell him that they loved him. Maybe that was too much to ask.

Even Roman treated him like a bit of a joke sometimes. Patton hadn't missed that he insulted Logan by calling him “dad", and he certainly didn't miss the implications there. 

They didn't want his opinion. They didn't want his presence. They just wanted his function, because Thomas would cease to be Thomas without him.

And he couldn't stop thinking about how long it took them to realize that Deceit was pretending to be him. Virgil had been suspicious right from the start, and Logan had known that something wasn't quite right, but neither of them had figured it out. Patton had been watching, of course. He had considered stepping in immediately and clearing the matter up, but he was morbidly curious as to what would play out. He knew it was wrong, but he had done it anyway. Thomas would be fine once the matter was resolved and explained. There would be no permanent harm done.

And there hadn't been. A brief moment of panic and a personal revelation, that was all. It was fine.

When Logan had muttered, “ _ Maybe Deceit wasn't so bad _ ,” all Patton could feel was guilt. Deceit had listened to Logan, after all, even if it had been fake. Deceit had complimented him. Made him feel heard. Flattered him. And Patton realized that for Logan to say such a thing, he had to have been so disappointed to know that the attention had been a lie.

So Patton had tried to stay out of things after that. He gave the whole spotlight to Logan and Roman in the next couple of videos, hanging out with Virgil, who seemed to understand. Between videos, he tried to make sure to give Logan enough time to speak in their conversations, always hearing him out completely, and to validate Roman and compliment him, to combat their insecurities. And if he held out a faint hope that they would notice and give him the same affection in return? Well, he wasn't perfect.

They didn't owe him anything, of course. Patton would do anything for his family unconditionally. He would die for them in an instant without any hesitation. He loved them so much that it hurt.

Earlier that day, he had been in desperate need of a hug. He knew better than to try and hug Logan, and he couldn't find Virgil. Roman had just dismissed him. Patton had tried to offer him a hug before Roman had gone off on his quest, and Roman had just said, “Not now, Padre, I'm a bit busy,” and dodged the hug, sinking out. Patton had been left standing alone in the kitchen with his arms outstretched, lonely and hug-less.

At least the memory-sunshine was warm on his back. The grass under his legs felt real enough. He couldn't see anyone else at the park, but the faint sound of children's laughter drifted towards him on the wind. The ever-growing pile of petals in front of him was scattered by a sudden breeze, and Patton just kept tossing more down onto the grass.

“They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not.”

It became a regular thing for him, to access this memory in his room and just sit for a while, plucking the petals off of the long-suffering dandelion. It calmed him and grounded him. He stopped asking for hugs and seeking affection, knowing he always had a comfortable place to turn to. And if the others wondered where he disappeared to for hours every day, they never asked.

Until one day, when they did.

“Hey, Patton?”

Patton looked up from his toast to see Roman watching him curiously. “Yeah, kiddo, what's up?” he said cheerfully.

“Ah, well, um…” Roman stumbled over his words. “Are you...alright?”

With a bright smile, Patton said, “Spec- _ toast _ -ular, kiddo! Why?”

“It's just, well, you haven't been out here as much as you used to be,” Roman said.

“Hm? I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Really? You haven't been spending more time in your room recently?” Roman asked skeptically. “We've all noticed it. You'll be out here for breakfast and dinner and sometimes during the day, but not much. So where are you the whole time?”

“Aw, nothing to worry about, kiddo, I've just been a little busy recently, that's all,” Patton said. He wished Roman would stop prying. He didn't want to have to outright lie about his activities.

“Oh. Alright. It's just that...we've missed you,” Roman said in a mumble.

Patton blinked.  _ They must think I’m feeling left out. Clearly, he doesn't mean it.  _ “Don't be silly, now, you don't need to do that. I'm just fine. Alrighty, kiddo, have a good day, be safe on your quest!” Grabbing the rest of his toast, Patton sank down into his room and conjured up the memory.

Immediately, the bright sun made him feel more at ease. He sat down and munched the rest of his toast, then picked the dandelion that grew in the grass in front of him. He started to pull the petals off, one by one, beginning his mantra that would never come to a conclusion. “They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not. They love me…”

He had no idea how long he sat there, cocooned in warmth and pretending not to he lonely. He felt a tug. Someone was summoning him. He wasn't paying enough attention to be certain of who it was, but it was probably Thomas. He ignored it. He wasn't in the mood to not be listened to.

Okay, that wasn't entirely fair to Thomas. He did listen to Patton...sometimes. When it was important. But his voice was so often drowned out by the others that it felt like he wasn't even there at all.

He wasn't ducking out, of course. That would have a devastating effect on Thomas. Plus, ducking out was  _ hard _ . Patton still didn't quite understand where Virgil had found the strength. Even resisting a summons took some concentration, so Patton focused on the petals and the words, blocking everything else out. “They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not.”

There was a stronger tug. Patton gasped. That one had  _ hurt _ .

“They love me, they love me not. They love me, they-- _ ow! _ ”

More tugging. These were from Logan, Patton could tell, and he wasn't being gentle. He was pretty sure that Logan wasn't trying to be mean. It felt more urgent, like Logan was worried about him.

Speaking of worry, the next tug was from Virgil. It was more gentle, and desperate, quietly pleading instead of demanding. That was harder to resist.

The next summons was from Roman. It felt like a strong arm wrapped around him, trying to pull him along. Patton kept his metaphorical feet firmly planted.

_ If they're worried, it would be wrong to not tell them that I'm alright, _ he thought unhappily.  _ It's clearly distracting them from whatever dilemma we're in. _

Thomas was summoning him again. Patton winced. This one was starting to hurt, too. He decided that it would be okay to just pop in for a second, reassure them that he was fine, and then leave again. Without waiting for the next summons, he rose up in the part of the mindscape where Thomas would come to talk to them.

“Hey, kiddos!”

The other four were staring at him in shock. Roman spoke first. “Patton! Why were you ignoring us?”

“It's alright, really, I know you were only summoning me because, you know, it looks good to have the full set,” Patton said. He dropped part of the bubbly tone that he usually took. “I'm fine, guys, I'll just go back to my room now."

“Wait!” Virgil exclaimed. “Um, what are you holding?”

Patton looked down.  _ Oh. _ He hadn't realized that he was still holding the dandelion in his hands. “It's a dandelion! ‘Cause, um, I'm doing just  _ dandy _ . Okay, have fun, guys. Hope you figure it out!” He started to sink down.

“We can't figure it out without you!” Thomas said.

“Sure you can, kiddo!” Patton was pulling nervously at the flower petals. It had become a sort of reflex now. A small pile of them began to form on the carpet. “My comments...really aren't necessary. Don't worry, I know that. Okay, bye!”

“But Patton, you don't understand--" Logan started.

“I never do, do I?” Patton shot back. And then he sank out, before anyone could recover from their shock at the sudden vehemence in his voice.

The grassy park was welcoming and warm. His legs were shaking slightly. He sat down slowly, breathing hard. His fingers found the petals and he began to pluck them away. “They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not.”

He was desperately trying not to pay attention to his surroundings. Nothing existed except the words in his mouth and the flower in his hand. It worked for a while. How long exactly, he didn't know, but it was probably at least a half an hour. Maybe more. And then he pretended that nobody else was there, that he couldn't hear the whispering of three other people behind him. He drowned out their presence with his own voice.

“They love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not…” Nobody was walking up behind him. “They love me, they love me not.” There wasn't a hand reaching over his shoulder. “They love me, they love me not.” Nobody was taking the dandelion from his hand-- _ no, please, I need that! _

“They love you,” Virgil murmured. “They love you.”

Patton gazed up at him. “You can't be here,” he whispered. “None of you, it isn't good for you. Go away!”

“Come with us."

“No!”

“Then we're staying.”

“Virgil!” Patton cried. “Go away. And give me back my flower.”

“No, you don't need it.” Virgil held it up. All the petals were gone. “They love you.”

_ That flower was supposed to be infinite! It's a memory, it can't be altered. _ But Virgil had, somehow. “Please,” Patton said, his voice shaking. “Please, leave. You can't be in my room.”

“Only if you come with us.”

Patton looked over his shoulder to see Logan and Roman, standing a short distance away. Roman had one hand partially outstretched, and Logan couldn't seem to look at Patton. “Don't you have to solve whatever dilemma Thomas had?”

“Patton,” Virgil said, and his voice was soft and gentle. “Patton, the dilemma was you. We're worried about you. We're all worried about you.”

“What for? I'm doing great!”

“Patton. You've got to stop lying to us.”

“I'm…” Patton couldn't bring himself to say  _ not. _ “Sorry. I'm sorry.”

“Come with us, Patton. At least just to the living room. Just hear us out, okay?” Virgil pleaded. “Please, Patton.”

Patton bit his lip. “Really, Virgil, I wish you would stop worrying.”

“That's not gonna happen. Patton, what was this for?” Virgil asked, indicating the dandelion stalk in his hand.

“I was just...it's just a silly little thing you say…”

“How could you ever even  _ doubt _ that we love you, Patton?”

“I…” Patton could tell that Virgil was getting emotional from being in his room. “Virgil, you need to leave, kiddo.”

Virgil grabbed his hand. “ _ Please _ come with us.”

“Okay, okay!” Patton agreed swiftly.  _ Anything to make sure Virgil doesn't get hurt. _ He let Virgil pull him to his feet and lead him over to the other two. Roman touched his arm, and Patton flinched away. They sank out before Roman could say anything.

Rising up in the mindspace living room was a sharp jolt of reality. Patton caught his breath and noticed that Virgil was still holding his hand. He pulled away and folded his arms across his chest.

“Patton?” said Logan hesitantly. “I believe we owe you an apology.”

_ That _ surprised him. “What? Why?”

“Because I think we have been...insensitive,” Logan replied. “I am sure that I have been. And I apologize.”

Patton could barely believe what he was hearing. Logan, apologizing to him? “Oh, okay,” he said numbly.

Roman stepped forward. “And I apologize, also, my dearest Patton. I haven't been spending time with you recently, and I have dismissed your opinions. My actions have been brought to my attention, and I am truly sorry.”

“And I'm sorry, too,” Virgil added. “Because I've known that you haven't been okay for a while now, and I never...never even asked if there was something I could do, because I was so caught up in worrying that you would all see me as overreacting to every little thing again, and wouldn't want me around anymore.”

“But I hope we can make it clear to you that your opinions are valuable and important, and we want to make sure that you are listened to,” Logan said. 

_ No caveat? No ‘your opinions can be valuable when you aren't being childish and silly’? This is Logan, right, not Dee pretending again? _

“And we need you to be able to come to us with your worries and your bad feelings,” Virgil said. “I can sense them floating around you, and it scares me. We need to be able to help you, Patton, like you help all of us. You're so good at helping, Patton, at listening and at being there for us, even when we don't return the favor.”

“And we want to make sure you know that...that we love you,” Roman said. “And we appreciate you telling us that you love us, even though we're all...not excellent at expressing genuine emotion.”

“Yes, this is very difficult for me,” Logan said. Roman slapped his arm gently, and Logan added, “But I am trying, because I do love you, Patton. I am sorry that I have such a hard time showing you.”

“For all my drama and grand gestures to the fantasy people in my kingdom, I sometimes forget that I have to show my actual family that I love them, too,” said Roman. “I love you, Patton. I hope you can forgive me for forgetting to tell you.”

“I love you, Patton,” Virgil mumbled, then cleared his throat. “I love you, Dad,” he repeated, more loudly. “You're an amazing best friend. I'm gonna try to be the same, because you deserve it, and more. You deserve everything.”

Patton stared at them all. “Oh,” he said faintly. Overwhelmed, he stumbled backwards.

Virgil caught him first, his reflexes kicking in to stop Patton from collapsing. When it became clear to him that Patton was going to fall if he let go, he turned to Roman, who had already stepped in to wrap an arm around Patton’s waist. Logan carefully guided them to the couch.

There was a couple seconds of silence as they stared at Patton, waiting for his response. He couldn't think of anything to say. So instead, he started to cry.

“Oh, shit,” Virgil said, and Patton was too busy crying to chide him about his language.

“Did we upset you?” Roman said. He sounded devastated. “Oh, Patton, I’m so sorry, we didn’t mean to…”

“I don’t understand, this wasn’t supposed to distress you,” Logan said.

Patton pressed his hand to his mouth, trying to breathe evenly. “I’m sorry,” he managed. “I’m just...so...you surprised me, that’s all, I w-wasn’t expecting...I l-love you, too, I love you all so much, I…” He broke down further, wiping his eyes.

The other three didn’t seem to know what to do. They were looking at each other with worried expressions. “Can we...help?” Logan said tentatively.

“I just…” Patton looked up at them. “Can someone hug me, please?”

Roman was sitting next to him and pulling him into his arms immediately, his fingers running through Patton’s hair. He rocked back and forth, rubbing Patton’s back in a way that radiated love and comfort. His grip tightened when Patton started sobbing harder. “Oh, Patton, I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” he murmured.

Gathering his strength, Patton wrapped his arms around Roman’s waist and squeezed him tightly. He needed to be sure that this was real. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head to look at Virgil with tear-filled eyes. It only took a second for Virgil to drop down next to him as well. Wedged between the two of them, Patton managed to take a deep breath. He was about to wipe his eyes with his sleeve when he saw that Logan was holding out a tissue for him, a concerned and gentle look in the logical Side’s eyes. Patton burst into tears again and grabbed Logan’s hand, pulling him down to try and hug him.

Startled, Logan let out a yelp and toppled down on top of Patton. He ended up sitting partially in Patton’s lap and partially in Roman’s, who gladly moved his arm to hug him as well. “This seems as if my weight would be uncomfortable for you, I’ll just…” Logan tried to extract himself from the embrace and stood up halfway before both Virgil and Patton yanked him back down.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Patton sniffled. He buried his face in Logan’s polo. With all three of them pressed up against him, warm and real, he actually began to calm down. He felt Logan resign himself to the situation and put his hand on the back of Patton’s head. Roman was still rubbing his back, and Virgil was holding his hand.

“Hey, Patton?” Roman said softly. “If we ever make you feel like we don’t love you again, take my sword and poke us with it.”

Patton managed to laugh. “How about I just ask, kiddo?”

“Yes, that’s probably a better idea,” Logan said.

Virgil nestled closer to Patton and didn’t say anything.

_ They love me, _ Patton thought, and he knew he wouldn't need the dandelion anymore.  _ They love me. _

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this was written a while ago (like, 5 months ago), so it may not be super consistent with the newest videos. I'm only just now posting all my fics for this fandom on AO3, and it might take me a while to post all of them. (I'm @rainbowsides on tumblr if you want to read the rest of my fics before I get around to posting them here.) <3


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